Title - Saviour
Rating - R
Fandom - Rizzoli & Isles
Disclaimer - I do not own a thing, just playing in the sandbox.
A/N - This is set post season 1 finale...
A/N 2 - There is a time jump from part 3 to part 4.... like back to Part 2 time..., go with it, y'all watched Lost, and how linear was that..
"I will stay."
"Oh Maur.., you not sick of the sight of me yet?" I wanted her to stay so badly, I wanted her to snuggle with me in my bed and make every shitty thing in the world right, I wanted her to not know this. Ever. "Well I'm not going to be good company," I groaned, as I tried to look over the couch at her, hoping she wouldn't notice my eyes on her legs, I licked my lips, as my eyes settled on her ass. Fuck what was I doing, I can't do this anymore, I can't be wanting to bite my best friends ass, this is so fucked up. "Will you stop fussing about over there..." I slumped back on the couch, hands over my eyes, the only way I could think to stop myself looking at her, wanting her. Why did she have to bring me home from the hospital? Why was she always there for me?
She brought me over some stinky tea, I made a face at the smell, about to ask for a beer.
"Jane, you can hardly have a beer with the meds you are on."
"Argh Maur... beer goes with everything." I moaned at her, but inside I was just so fucking happy she was there, and that she couldn't read all my thoughts, I hoped.
"Just drink it."
"Ok ok if you stop standing there like a spare part, and take a seat..." Fuck why am I asking her to come closer to me, why are my legs moving to accomodate her on the couch. Why does this feel so fucking damn right?
"Jane, please... It is okay, I would rather you were more comfortable-"
"I'd be more comfortable if you'd sit back and make yourself comfortable." I leant back and closed my eyes, wishing for the words to return to my mouth, I was exposing too much.
"I was going to take you to bed."
"Whoa Maur,no funny business." I blushed, rolling my head back on the couch, my eyes closed and hands back over them. "I can't do that in my condition." A laugh escaped my lips, a fucking nervous laugh just came out of me. Fuck! I wanted to fuck her on the couch, make her moan, groan, cum. Hard. I kept my arms over my eyes, as her scent made me dizzy, dancing images behind my eyelids of her in my arms, kissing me, my neck, taking my breast in in her fucking perfect mouth and suck on my-
"Jane, I-I did not-" She broke into my thoughts, I looked over at her. She was sitting like a robot, like she didn't belong here with me anymore. What. The. Fuck? We always hung out together, so natural, so at ease... Fuck! Was I making her like this? Did she somehow know, did she know what had been going through my mind?
"I'm just fucking with ya Maur..." She slowly turned back to me and I couldn't hold her gaze for fear she'd see into my mind and see my thoughts, see my needs, my wants, how much I wanted her, my love.
I reached out for a distraction, and found the television remote.
She stood up. Fuck it worked, it didn't work and she knows, how could she? Does she know?
"I am just going to-"
"-Yeah yeah..." I flicked around on the television taking no notice of the images in front of me.
"Umm yeah..." I heard her moving about behind me, I closed my eyes and let the light from the screen flicker over me.
I opened my eyes to see my Ma at my bedside, I looked to the other side of the bed and found it vacant, I smiled weakly at my Ma, trying to hide my disappointment that Maura wasn’t sitting there.
My mind was on Maura, I could almost still smell her from my dreams, feel her all around me and now I lay there in this sterile room, feeling empty, alone, and guilty that I felt like that with my mother at my bedside.
She kissed my head and hugged me gently, cooing over me as only she could, I let her and enjoyed it but could not summon the strength to lift my arms and hug her back. I think simply letting her hug me was enough.
She sat back down, her hands on mine, smiling with tears in her eyes.
"She's just at the vending machine." She leant in and kissed me again. I feigned a look of confusion. "She's been here every day." She sat back down and I avoided her eyes, nestling my head down into my pillow. "Ah come on now Jane, you could have died. Now isn't the time to be an asshole." I turned my head, shocked at her words. I pulled myself up in bed.
"Don't Jane, you just be thankful you're alive and tell her... Jane...?" She followed my eyes to find Maura entering the room, and then I watched as Maura stood at the foot of my bed.
I don't think I'd been happier to see her than I was right there, her eyes searched mine and then darted away as she fiddled with the cup of coffee she held.
"Come sit down Maura... give me my coffee at least." Maura obliged awkwardly giving my mother her coffee. "Do you two want to be left alone?"
"Ma!" I croaked at her as I think I saw Maura blush and take a seat.
“What? Jane you almost died, maybe you have something to-”
“Ma! I... God!”
“Oh I-I there is... you certainly cannot leave.” Maura shifted in her seat, placing her hands in her lap, so fucking damn proper over her crossed legs. I felt her eyes on me but I couldn't meet hers, not with my ma being right there, it was all so awkward.
I wanted to be alone with Maura, and tell her... tell her... fuck no I had nothing to tell her.
I was so scared from my ma's words, what did she mean did we want to be alone? Why was the first thing she practically said about Maura? Fuck I thought I had hidden my feelings, I had been lying to myself for long enough that I had believed it... sometimes.
"I think we better go, let you rest Janie." She broke into my thoughts, and I realized I had been staring at Maura's legs. I bit my lip and wearily smiled, cringing inside.
She hugged and kissed me, and then they left. I hadn't said two words to Maura, didn't even really say goodbye.
I didn't have the words I wanted to say, cause I was so confused over what I wanted to say. When I first woke I wanted nothing but to see Maura, confused over the dream I had just came out of, there was no plot to the dream just her. The feeling of her all around me, and I wanted to be back there. No, fuck I wanted that to be real. I wanted my pain to go away and I wanted her there in bed with me. Fuck she's my best friend, I can't want that. I do. I wanted her legs entwined with mine, her ass in my hands, that fucking perfect ass. Her hair in my hands, her scent filling my head, fuck I love how she makes my head swim, fuck no I hate it. I hate how confused I get, how much everything about her makes me want her. I can’t want her. I can’t think about these things any longer. I could have asked my mother to leave and I could have told Maura but the words choked me.
Some nights alone in my apartment, feeling horny, needing to release tension, my hands wandering down my own body and in my mind they would be hers. I'd stop. Scared and confused at where my mind had just gone, but left so horny that my hands would soon wander again until I was panting, my fingers working furiously at my centre and I let my mind go, I'd picture her on top of me, her ass grinding into my hips, mine rising to meet hers. I picture her underneath me, as I hold onto her with her legs wrapped around me, and I'd dip into myself so wet, her fingers mine, my pussy hers and I'd find myself in her, rocking straining to find her release, my release, her nipples hard against my own, in my mouth, my tongue, lips against hers, against her breast, biting that fine ass and I'd whimper her name as I'd cum, confused and soon asleep only to wake ashamed, sad that I had thought about her whilst doing that, scared that she would know the next day when our eyes would meet over a dead body.
"Sorry to intrude but your-"
"Never." It hurt for me to speak, afraid she would know what was going through my mind but I was just so happy that she was back.
"Never? I-Your mother said she left her bag here and-"
"-You never intrude Maura." The words fell from my lips, as I looked up searching her eyes, but she wouldn't meet mine.
"Oh thank you for saying that but I must really get the bag for your-"
"-She said you've been here every day." I smiled at her, hard to focus with the pain I was feeling. I just wanted a smile in return, to see that dimpled heart melting smile.
"I... yes." I reached out for her hand, not realizing I was doing it until her perfect fingers were weakly in my grasp.
"Maur?" She placed her other hand on top of mine. I moaned, shifting my head more to face her. It hurt, every inch of me hurt inside and out. "Thanks."
"Shhh, Jane, you know I will always be here."
"No you won't... 'Cause you have to go give my ma her bag... and then go home." I sighed, it was hard to speak so much. I wanted her to stay, the pain to go and for us to be anywhere but there, in the cold white room. Maura was all reds and pinks and purples and sensuality to me, her perfume drifted down to me, never overpowering, just perfect as I thought she was. Fuck I could never let her know how much I... how much I loved? her. I guess thats why I bicker, why I take the biscuit with her, poke fun cause if she knew the truth... I'd die. If she knew the thoughts I had about her she’d never speak to me again, my feelings could ruin everything. I had to go on lying to myself, maybe one day it would become truth... and I’d not hurt so much. The physical pain I was in paled in comparison to the pain I felt not being with her.
"Oh." I turned away, thinking she could read my thoughts.
"Wish you could stay..."
"Me too." I couldn't let myself look at Maura, I was so scared at what she'd see in my eyes.
She slid her hands from mine and I bit my lip to keep my emotions inside, to keep the words "I love you" inside, to keep from asking her to stay and having to tell her why. I wanted to lean up and kiss her, feel her lips soft against my own. I wanted my tongue to move in her mouth and all the unspoken words be known by the movement of my tongue against hers, but she picked up my mothers bag and left.
"Maybe I should go..." Fuck, she knew and was running from me, I didn't want her to go. I did. If she went then I could try and gather my head together. I would still think of her, I knew this from the past, out of sight did not mean out of mind. I would wake in the morning and my first thought would be of her, I would go to sleep on nights without her there and she would be my last thoughts as I drifted off. I would play out silly fantasizes in my mind about how our lives could be only if? One stupid scenario that would never happen after another. If we had met under different circumstances, if we had met earlier in life... if? If? Fucking if?
I wanted to reach out and take her hand and bring her down on me on the couch and.... and? And what? Fuck I had to let her leave, and then she had. She was gone.